hai world

Hands down I'm too proud for love

I just got a new National Geographic sent to me about Neanderthals and it is by far my favorite issue yet..

I cannot sleep at the moment

Trying my hardest not to become dependent on my boyfriend for happiness/entertainment.

Doing miserably at school... apathy...


Can't eat without a stomach ache. Gaining too much weight. Caring too much about gaining too much weight.

Purpose. Where are you?




I yearn to travel. Probably longest I've gone without leaving the state in a couple of years.


Ever want to start over? I do sometimes.
No regrets for the most part, though.

Hmmph

Take me back to Montmartre, pleasssseee!

Montmartre, easily the most charming part of Paris. I yearn to go back! I didn't spend enough time there. I'm going to cut my hair and change my name to Audrey Tautou and say weird little quirky things.

In other news, I miss Brian.

roped and tied

Next semester I'm taking a break from school. This either means the entire semester off or only taking a couple of courses to keep me still officially enrolled in school. I'm not motivated at all. Not for school, anyway.


I want to open up a venue/club/bar/coffee shop. Yes. All in one.
I will. I need some time to save up money. I'm slowly gaining the business skills and I have some knowledgeable people on my team. Won't begin til summer, though.

I'm going sky diving. With Ashley. And anyone else with the guts to come.

I need to start taking my lexapro consistently. I go days without it then realize how much I need it.



I need a bangin job! I'm gonna be a hooker. Or drug dealer. Probably both. That sounds rather legit



I don't feel like I mean anything to anyone
I think I have friends..
but I don't feel like there is anyone who wouldn't be able to 'live without me'.
.... I kind of want that? Is that conceited or selfish? to feel needed/wanted?
I don't know.


giving up that kitten was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while.
it seemed to be the only thing that loved me no matter what I did. Even after I gave her a bath.


I miss Tony.

it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop its getting worse and it hurtssssssssss


my heart sucks

dance, heart... dance!

My heart will not stop palpitating! I haven't even had coffee today. It keeps freaking out. I haven't taken my lexapro lately though. Maybe thats it. It kind of hurts and worries me.

I'm broke.


I have a photo shoot with Andy Sunday. Its going to be good.

Where is my planner?
I don't know when I'm suppose to stop my birth control



Justin sent me an email yesterday telling me how he didn't want to be friends anymore. I don't really care. He said neither one of us had anything to gain from our friendship and that he would just be wanting more from me.
He is not the same person at all.
Neither am I, I guess.

Last night was fucking intense.
Natalia and I tub thumped at Brian's. Everyone got kicked out of Greene Street so we decided to bring the party back to his house. We got drunk. And other things. From substances.
We danced.
I do believe we headbanged...
Sang real loud.
There were strippers
Some professional, some not.
It was amazing. I felt so fucking happy. I have not felt that happy in a long time.
Then Brian finally got off work and the good times continued. He takes care of me. I like that.
We had a good talk.
He drew me an amazing picture. Holy shit. I'm still excited about it.


I have tomorrow off of work! Anything but clothes party at LaShayessssss

chew on this

here is what me thinks today:

This cookie is good. Its one of those big, fat sugar cookies with the frosting on it and sprinkles. Ashley brought it home from her Chemistry meeting. Amazing. Just what I needed.

My mom and I just got done scrubbing down my entire apartment. I was so tired of looking at it. Maybe I'll probably spend some time here now. Sike.
She is still my all time best friend...
but we seem to be growing a little more and more distant now that she got this new job and she doesn't work with me anymore. Oh well. I know it is all for the better.

I need a business idea for my entrepreneurship class. I can't believe I just spelled that word right on my first try.
Anyway.
I need a business to market towards the campus. I need it by Thursday. EEKaifdjoj
I got dis!

I started reading this book today called "Devil in the White City" by Erik Larson. Its about the world fair in Chicago at the turn of the 19th century and how all this murder and mayhem took place. Its nonfiction, which makes it so much more interesting to me.
I was reading it while waiting in the health center today picking up my prescription. $140 for 3 months of birth control. wriheoraedjhoaij. wtFUCK?!



I'm getting better with this apathy thing
I'm really starting to care
and become motivated



Brian is my official boyfriend now....
so far so good. The more I learn about him the more I like. He makes me feel special.
Still slightly scared about this whole relationship thing... it's been an entire year since I've been in a 'real' relationship.
However..
I decided to just get over it and enjoy what I have.




Just finished the cookie.
I wonder what dad and Charlie are up to these days.

hello cramps. good to see you again.

I'm such an apathetic sonofabitch.
I need to get my priorities straight.


I need to stop DRINKING so much. This is so unlike me. I never drank up until last year... and I go through these phases. I'll party nonstop for a few weeks, then not drink at all for a few months. I'm in a crazy party stage, though.
My sleeping schedule is awful. I stay up until 4 a.m. or later every single night and sleep the day away.
Often wanting to skip class.


I'm so not made for school. I hate it. I'd rather learn on my own.


Systems. I hate them.
Education.
Religion.
Politics.



anarchist? slightly.


I desperately want to learn the guitar! Maybe I'll get the motivation to do so. But this darn apathy. Eating away at me like a disease.

I also would like to start a book club with a few friends. Sounds dorky.
But I think it'd be fun to get a bunch of people together, read the same book, and discuss it once a week together.
It'd be a positive thing to do with our time... but we'd also be socializing.


I like Brian. A lot. But I swore off boys for a while. I'm scared to like him too much.
But I think I trust him?
But I trusted all the other ones too.
so I don't know.
but I think he really does like me?


but so did all the others.
soufhaoehjfowejfoaiejr


I swear I'll get my life together
I'm better than this.

regret.

No one knows me.



I don't know where my first class is tomorrow. Oh shit. I don't even have a parking pass.
They were suppose to mail that jazz.
Man.


I'm numb to the world




save me?

sleep is haunting me

I cannot sleep anymore unless I take some sort of medicine...
I took some almost two hours ago and I feel so sedated it's ridiculous. I'm not 100% sure this post will make sense.

I don't even have a reason for posting..


Tonight a party of Hooter's girls came in and I got stuck waiting on them. I wore owl earrings. When one of them noticed, she screamed, "OMG OWL EARRINGS!! We gottaaaaa get some guys! Oh, (looks at me), we work at HOOTERS!"
I laughed awkwardly because it was too perfect?
They tipped well, though.
My boss told me to go wipe the seats in the bar that they sat on so no one would catch anything
(they all wore really tiny dresses and probably no panties!)
my boss is amazing.


I want to raise a baby tiger. I think they're such fascinating animals. That or a gorilla. I might change my name to Jane Goodall. That was her, right?!


Oh, school...

So excited for it to start Monday!

A purpose. I need one. School will give it to me.
I feel so much more intelligent while in school...
why?


I don't know. Maybe because I'm awkward with people sometimes and when I'm in school it gives me free conversation starters.

Like..
"Hey, I just learned about communism in the early 1900's in China?!"

no.

ok but I'm excited for school anyway.

maybe because it gives me stuff to do during the day?

no.

I hate schedules. I love being busy, but spontaneously busy!
if theres one thing I hate, its being certain places by certain times.


my dad called me yesterday because my mom freaked out and emailed him and made him. i told her part of my stress was not having him in my life.
it didn't really help because he was forced to..


I'm no longer capitalizing which means I'm too sleepy!


I still have nightmares about my old dog. Is this silly?
I begged my parents for years and years to buy me a dog and they finally did when I was almost finished with high school. He became my best friend.
I would take trips home from college just to see him. He would get so excited! Jump up and down for FOREVER and follow me around everywhere!
The day my mom made me give him away I held him in my room for a long time and cried. He knew I was crying and kept nudging my hands and licking my face every once in a while.


I would give anything to get Tony back. like my priorities? I do.

palpitations. just now.

freak out!

I recently had a total mental breakdown.
I'm not exactly sure what sparked it.
There were a number of events that lead to it. They involved school, family, boys, and publicity?


The only thing I care about is what came out of it...

I need to change.

I am not the Katie I was two years ago, a freshman in college. I was young, inspired, intelligent, and genuinely wanted to know more about the world and be successful in life.

Lets examine the elements of my life that have changed:

-parents are now divorced
-no longer dating the guy I was dating back then, Justin, who I dated for three years total
-I hang out with a completely different group of friends
-I am more or less financially dependent when back then I was relying on my parents for everything I needed


I have become somewhat of a superficial shell. I hang out with a bunch of girls that model, which naturally got me into it. It was fun for a while, I got some attention.

Then I realized... I kind of hate attention.
Attention brings anxiety.

Fuck modeling! It's so pointless when you're doing it purely to marvel over someone's "beauty". and I say "beauty" because I mean commercial beauty.

Everyone's beautiful! Why can't we marvel that? The fact that everyone is completely different?

My heart palpitates on the daily these days. From stress.

Ever since I broke up with Justin I have been stressing to find someone new.
NO ONE. There were a few hopefuls. I got fucked over and used a whole lot!
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like being wanted/needed is the most important thing in the world...


what the fuck?!

It's not.

I need internal happiness before I can be happy with anyone else.

Ok. So theres another thing that causes my heart to palpitate. Too much anxiety from boys. I need to learn how to quit worrying about them so much!

My family...
consists of my mom?
My best friend. My rock. We kind of went through this divorce together and both came out stronger? She did. I'm still working on it.
Unfortunately I kind of lost my dad and most definitely my brother in the end.
I just don't believe they'll approve of anything I do. Especially my brother.


Oh

I want to move
I'm thinking Portland. For sure.
Its super far away yet fun and not overdone.
Beautiful landscape. And I mean beautiful. Not "beautiful".


suicidal thoughts. They've been lurking! I'm going to see someone. I'm better than this.


I'm just a normal person having normal doubts about life...


but I don't want to be normal?!


I want a family. I want Tony and I want to be an honor student again. I want to stop drinking and stop caring what newspaper my friends and I are in this week. I want to read a good book and finally finish an art project. I want to feel beautiful without makeup.

truff

Instead of complaining about not being able to find a good guy to be my boyfriend, I'm going to ponder all the reasons why I just suck at relationships in general.

1. I hate too much attention
2. I generally prefer a girls night out to a boyfriend night in
3. I think when people say "thank you" over and over its really annoying, so I probably don't say it enough, and come off being really unappreciative.
4. School comes first
5. Outwest Steakhouse consumes a large chunk of my time. Ribeyes over boys. Not by choice.
6. I always think good guys are too good to be true and try my best to find flaws in them
7. I have a problem when a guy spends a lootttt of money on me. It makes me feel uncomfortable!



This is why I have decided:
a. I should not even try to indulge myself in a relationship at this time, and...

b. even if I do, it should be a long distance one. Thats right, I said those two words that aren't ever positively referred to when talking about a relationship. I do well with long distance. Less commitment, because lets face it, how serious can you get living far away?! And whenever I do see them, its always special and time spent well.


There. I like ranting to myself sometimes.
fuck!

Chew on this

http://www.banksy.co.uk/

Home

The concept of a "home" has been on my mind lately. I grew up in a big yellow house in Kernersville, North Carolina. That home got sold recently because of my parent's divorce, they both decided to move into a smaller home.
I moved out of the house two years ago to start college...
but I still had a place to go every weekend if I wanted to.

Now, I don't.
Neither one of my parents have a space set up for me in their new houses.
Its me and my apartment.
Its the only place I have to sleep and where I spend most of my time... yet I still don't consider it "home".


I think when you move out of your family's house the concept of home is lost for a very long time. You can move anywhere in the world and be as comfortable as can be...
But until you begin a family of your own and spend ample time in one spot....
there is no "home".


I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I really want a place to call home right now.

getting started?

I suppose I'll blog.
I am not the biggest talker in person yet I have a lot to say, so this shall act as an outlet for me.
Honesty is a key component in my life. Thats sort of a warning.



much more to come.