freak out!

I recently had a total mental breakdown.
I'm not exactly sure what sparked it.
There were a number of events that lead to it. They involved school, family, boys, and publicity?


The only thing I care about is what came out of it...

I need to change.

I am not the Katie I was two years ago, a freshman in college. I was young, inspired, intelligent, and genuinely wanted to know more about the world and be successful in life.

Lets examine the elements of my life that have changed:

-parents are now divorced
-no longer dating the guy I was dating back then, Justin, who I dated for three years total
-I hang out with a completely different group of friends
-I am more or less financially dependent when back then I was relying on my parents for everything I needed


I have become somewhat of a superficial shell. I hang out with a bunch of girls that model, which naturally got me into it. It was fun for a while, I got some attention.

Then I realized... I kind of hate attention.
Attention brings anxiety.

Fuck modeling! It's so pointless when you're doing it purely to marvel over someone's "beauty". and I say "beauty" because I mean commercial beauty.

Everyone's beautiful! Why can't we marvel that? The fact that everyone is completely different?

My heart palpitates on the daily these days. From stress.

Ever since I broke up with Justin I have been stressing to find someone new.
NO ONE. There were a few hopefuls. I got fucked over and used a whole lot!
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like being wanted/needed is the most important thing in the world...


what the fuck?!

It's not.

I need internal happiness before I can be happy with anyone else.

Ok. So theres another thing that causes my heart to palpitate. Too much anxiety from boys. I need to learn how to quit worrying about them so much!

My family...
consists of my mom?
My best friend. My rock. We kind of went through this divorce together and both came out stronger? She did. I'm still working on it.
Unfortunately I kind of lost my dad and most definitely my brother in the end.
I just don't believe they'll approve of anything I do. Especially my brother.


Oh

I want to move
I'm thinking Portland. For sure.
Its super far away yet fun and not overdone.
Beautiful landscape. And I mean beautiful. Not "beautiful".


suicidal thoughts. They've been lurking! I'm going to see someone. I'm better than this.


I'm just a normal person having normal doubts about life...


but I don't want to be normal?!


I want a family. I want Tony and I want to be an honor student again. I want to stop drinking and stop caring what newspaper my friends and I are in this week. I want to read a good book and finally finish an art project. I want to feel beautiful without makeup.