regret.

No one knows me.



I don't know where my first class is tomorrow. Oh shit. I don't even have a parking pass.
They were suppose to mail that jazz.
Man.


I'm numb to the world




save me?

sleep is haunting me

I cannot sleep anymore unless I take some sort of medicine...
I took some almost two hours ago and I feel so sedated it's ridiculous. I'm not 100% sure this post will make sense.

I don't even have a reason for posting..


Tonight a party of Hooter's girls came in and I got stuck waiting on them. I wore owl earrings. When one of them noticed, she screamed, "OMG OWL EARRINGS!! We gottaaaaa get some guys! Oh, (looks at me), we work at HOOTERS!"
I laughed awkwardly because it was too perfect?
They tipped well, though.
My boss told me to go wipe the seats in the bar that they sat on so no one would catch anything
(they all wore really tiny dresses and probably no panties!)
my boss is amazing.


I want to raise a baby tiger. I think they're such fascinating animals. That or a gorilla. I might change my name to Jane Goodall. That was her, right?!


Oh, school...

So excited for it to start Monday!

A purpose. I need one. School will give it to me.
I feel so much more intelligent while in school...
why?


I don't know. Maybe because I'm awkward with people sometimes and when I'm in school it gives me free conversation starters.

Like..
"Hey, I just learned about communism in the early 1900's in China?!"

no.

ok but I'm excited for school anyway.

maybe because it gives me stuff to do during the day?

no.

I hate schedules. I love being busy, but spontaneously busy!
if theres one thing I hate, its being certain places by certain times.


my dad called me yesterday because my mom freaked out and emailed him and made him. i told her part of my stress was not having him in my life.
it didn't really help because he was forced to..


I'm no longer capitalizing which means I'm too sleepy!


I still have nightmares about my old dog. Is this silly?
I begged my parents for years and years to buy me a dog and they finally did when I was almost finished with high school. He became my best friend.
I would take trips home from college just to see him. He would get so excited! Jump up and down for FOREVER and follow me around everywhere!
The day my mom made me give him away I held him in my room for a long time and cried. He knew I was crying and kept nudging my hands and licking my face every once in a while.


I would give anything to get Tony back. like my priorities? I do.

palpitations. just now.

freak out!

I recently had a total mental breakdown.
I'm not exactly sure what sparked it.
There were a number of events that lead to it. They involved school, family, boys, and publicity?


The only thing I care about is what came out of it...

I need to change.

I am not the Katie I was two years ago, a freshman in college. I was young, inspired, intelligent, and genuinely wanted to know more about the world and be successful in life.

Lets examine the elements of my life that have changed:

-parents are now divorced
-no longer dating the guy I was dating back then, Justin, who I dated for three years total
-I hang out with a completely different group of friends
-I am more or less financially dependent when back then I was relying on my parents for everything I needed


I have become somewhat of a superficial shell. I hang out with a bunch of girls that model, which naturally got me into it. It was fun for a while, I got some attention.

Then I realized... I kind of hate attention.
Attention brings anxiety.

Fuck modeling! It's so pointless when you're doing it purely to marvel over someone's "beauty". and I say "beauty" because I mean commercial beauty.

Everyone's beautiful! Why can't we marvel that? The fact that everyone is completely different?

My heart palpitates on the daily these days. From stress.

Ever since I broke up with Justin I have been stressing to find someone new.
NO ONE. There were a few hopefuls. I got fucked over and used a whole lot!
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like being wanted/needed is the most important thing in the world...


what the fuck?!

It's not.

I need internal happiness before I can be happy with anyone else.

Ok. So theres another thing that causes my heart to palpitate. Too much anxiety from boys. I need to learn how to quit worrying about them so much!

My family...
consists of my mom?
My best friend. My rock. We kind of went through this divorce together and both came out stronger? She did. I'm still working on it.
Unfortunately I kind of lost my dad and most definitely my brother in the end.
I just don't believe they'll approve of anything I do. Especially my brother.


Oh

I want to move
I'm thinking Portland. For sure.
Its super far away yet fun and not overdone.
Beautiful landscape. And I mean beautiful. Not "beautiful".


suicidal thoughts. They've been lurking! I'm going to see someone. I'm better than this.


I'm just a normal person having normal doubts about life...


but I don't want to be normal?!


I want a family. I want Tony and I want to be an honor student again. I want to stop drinking and stop caring what newspaper my friends and I are in this week. I want to read a good book and finally finish an art project. I want to feel beautiful without makeup.